When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
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Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
But wait…
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.