Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
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*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro