Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
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Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
😍😂🥰😂😍
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft