Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.