All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
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Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?