Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
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Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Rather alarming headline…
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time