to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
You Might Also Like
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.