evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
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I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death