This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
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The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
the answer was staring at me all along
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
that de-escalated quickly
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!