me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
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The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF