Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
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We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Usage Guidelines
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now