just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
It was worth a shot 😂
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes