The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot