Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.