*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
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27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
reduce, reuse, recycle