I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
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Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
i will not be silenced