Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
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god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.