The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
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If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Order here:
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Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.