Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me