If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
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*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night