Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
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[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.