me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
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Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Canada has crack?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
i actually laughed 😩
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.