*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.