Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
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WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My kitchen overserved me.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.