HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
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Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
even bears disappoint their mothers
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.