*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
#ParentingFacts
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”