“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.