tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
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Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Breaking news:
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Wake me when AI does housework
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —