My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Finally! 😈
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.