Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.