Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
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“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
ACED my prostate exam!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
The photographer’s assistant
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
IT’S-A ME,
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over