Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?