Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.