Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
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roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.