And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
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[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
They must have gotten it to go.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?