if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.