writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
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Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?