I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time