True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
#growingpains
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
the composer
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes