Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
You Might Also Like
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?