Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
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WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
describing stardew valley
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee