The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I’d rather fork than spoon.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen