my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses