Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
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Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever