9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?