BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
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Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*