date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.