So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro