Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
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before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
decorating my apartment
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
it was a valiant fight
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?