My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
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Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.